Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
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As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people