I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
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Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Don’t forget to tip your server
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.