@BobScottCPA: Does anyone on here know how to "unhook" Amazon from my Twitter so that I can order things without giving people the idea I am Really bald??
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@click4amanda: Him: Yah, I like my meat rare Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean? Him: ...... Me: Our mom's are friends, you have to finish the date
@merican_ninjy: Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."
@Douchekevin: When I see babies who breastfeed crying I know it's because they don't have Oreos to go with the milk.
@rolldiggity: "Hey, man, just called to see when you're going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations