Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
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PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.