I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
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babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Phones down.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair