It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
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The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
a fate I wish upon no one
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.