I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
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*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.