[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
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I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
early stone age tool
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.