@Slygirl08: "Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
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@shkeeber: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: You love me? Cop: Me: Cop: Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower? Cop: Yes. Me: *floors it*
@slimmy_shady: Hot girls who complain that you can't get laid... do you live on a deserted island?
@iwearaonesie: me *watches toddler push wife's work papers off the coffee table* wife *walks in* Who did this? me: Your stupid cat
@imdaintyaf: I don't want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.