“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
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[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”