“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
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“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Saturday
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.