@Slygirl08: "Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
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@WilliamAder: Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
@Quartzjixler: Doritos has a new snack called "Taco Explosion" so I'm suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying* ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.