@Slygirl08: "Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
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@Stellacopter: When I'm out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying "Don't make eye contact with daddy."
@dshack8: Anyone who's ever stood in a busy McDonald's line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
@BuckyIsotope: Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
@4boding: My daughter asked me to help her find a job because she’s learned enough in school. She’s 5.