Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
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I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.