Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony