Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
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My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
bias laundering edition
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
work smarter, not harder