Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
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7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
seems fine
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh