@chrissyteigen: Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they're bars and she's an old timey prisoner with a tin mug
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@JasonLastname: Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
@DillDoes: *secret agent slaps me* I'll never give you answers *he grabs my throat* "WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA" *spits* I'd rather die
@thenatewolf: *Orders pizza* What a night *Phone buzzes* And a text? Killing it *checks phone* ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising
@LoveNLunchmeat: You'd be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.