Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
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The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
My Guy
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.