Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
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her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Probably my best painting.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.