@DeepDarkFear: "Does this leaf make me look fat?" - Eve.
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@thatUPSdude: (Stalker Diary) Day 4: Still under her bed. She continues to put the toilet paper roll on upside down. It's like I'm living with a monster.
@BuckyIsotope: *pregnant wife wakes up* I think my water broke *I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed* Let’s go to the hospital
@sixfootcandy: Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing. Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.