Does your wife know you’re single?
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Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*