Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
dictator is short for richard potato
When someone says you are so lazy
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?