Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning