*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
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Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Autocorrect completely socks
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.