*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
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The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.