Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
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People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.