dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
You Might Also Like
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on