[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo