me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
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my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Rt to bother an English speaker
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed