[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
That earthquake could have been an email.