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@chetprtr: [dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don't worry he's just playing
@david8hughes: [my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that's why he's the best
@pauleggleston: Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
@SRbeta: I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich.
This one just told me i was adopted :(
@Ristolable: ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
@jazmasta: "Ugh! Dave is coming to dinner"
"Wait, Dave Jones or Dave who impersonates police cars?"
[hears faint sirens in the distance]