DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
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My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Home is where your toilet is.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Something Saturday.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep