[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
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Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
It has been 3 years since Monday.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
No selfies while hijacking a train.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.