Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Fries, not lies.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Going into Monday like
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.