[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
You Might Also Like
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
im 7 sauces long
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.