When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
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Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried