Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
who did the taste test?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.