[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
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Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.