Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
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My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Breaking news:
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw