*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
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My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
The Backseat Boys
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.