[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
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Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
we’re gonna need another temp
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 馃檨
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it鈥檚 like i鈥檓 eating human ears but they鈥檙e tasty
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Your salary is just your company鈥檚 monthly subscription of you
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.