*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
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convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.