What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
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Wait a minute…
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
What?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.