dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue