[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
You Might Also Like
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.