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My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.