We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
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The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.