[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
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After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Found my door mat
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.