Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
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Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Cat.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him