馃ぃdope
You Might Also Like
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we鈥檝e only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
You鈥檝e got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Wanna know what鈥檚 cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what鈥檚 colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can鈥檛 wait to tell my kids.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me