Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
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8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
he was correct
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also