[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
You Might Also Like
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Catering service
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”