Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Meow
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Every time my phone rings
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses