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Dog: *spits out pill*
@thepunningman: wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen
@Underchilde: Starting a blog that’s just reviews of the food I steal out of the fridge at work.
@LeoLion_16: My neighbours loved that song so much, they threw a rock in my window to hear it better.
@WPLGLocal10: Man arrested after accidentally texting probation officer asking if he had any weed
@bakerbakerbaker: friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?