i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
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My whole life was a lie.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Kids, do not try this at home!
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Customer is always right
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
BaD BoY!!
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.